Thursday, July 1, 2010
Life
Today I took the time to just sit and look at Leah, and I tried to just soak in her face, her innocence, her curiosity, her perserverance (she LOVES the trash can and MUST try to eat it whenever possible. Also: eww!). It made me think about life in general. I see her at the beginning of her life with so much to look forward to, and on the other end I see my Grandma, who is starting to slow down and is dealing with scary things like strokes, falls, and the symptoms of something unknown. I know my Grandma has lived a full life, but regardless of when God decides is her time, it's not going to be enough time. I think the same of Leah - regardless of how long I have her in my life, or how long I"m in her life, it won't feel like long enough. With that in the forefront of my mind today, I felt more conscienous of the moments I spent with Leah today, and I realized that spending time with others and focusing on them is so much more important than anything on my agenda. I'll never look back and say to myself, "Man, I wish I could have spent more time doing laundry," but I will say to myself, "What I wouldn't give for one more tea time or one more lazy day of reading and playing with Leah."
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year, New Beginnings
Welcome, 2010! I hope this year is filled with as much, if not more, happiness and joy as 2009. It was quite a year. To review, these were the highlights month by month, because I'm sure everyone cares and wants a detailed account, right???
January - wallpapered the dining room (I know, I'm crazy wild like that...)
February - found out we were pregnant (I cried out of happiness and sheer terror - who me? A mom?)
March - heard the baby's heartbeat, fell hopelessly in love
April - told family about baby, finished second degree
May - found out we were having a girl and that we were moving back to PA
June - resigned from position at VA school, got hired at PA school
July - sold home, moved back to PA, moved in with my parents
August - looked for homes - sparse selection in these here parts...
September - found a home! blew up like a whale at a hefty 3-4 pounds a week
October - Turned 28, gave birth to Leah Grace a few weeks early
November- December - trying to get the hang of this "mom" thing. It's definitely been a labor of love from start to finish! :)
By far, giving birth to Leah Grace was the most amazing event of the year. I always knew that I would love her with all of my heart, but I guess I didn't realize how big my heart was.... I honestly sometimes feel like I'm going to explode ooey gooey love all over the place when I look at Leah, especially now that she's finding me hilarious when I pinch her cheeks and tickle her belly (Oh, the smiles - it's like I'm having a reverse Grinch reaction where my heart is becoming 50 billion sizes too big).
She's perfect in so many ways, and she's so loved; I hope she feels that and I hope that comforts her when she's crying and I can't seem to make her happy. Everyone told me that I would love being mom, and I do. But no one told me how horrible I would feel when my baby cries and cries and I have to sit there, helpless, crying big crocodile tears myself because I'm feeling like the worst mom in the world and - dear God - my baby is crying! I'm her Mom! I can't make her stop! Ahh! Truth be told, Leah is the first infant I've ever taken care of on my own, and I feel like I've been on a crash course where I've plowed head first into obstacle after obstacle.
People that know me know that I do my best at everything I do (except cleaning and keeping my house organized), and I feel like my best just doesn't cut on the mom front. I guess I just expected to be better at being a mom. I expected it to come naturally. It hasn't. I've learned so much. I've cried so much. And my life has never felt as meaningful as it does now. I look at Leah and think to myself, "Sorry kid, all the good moms were taken - you're stuck with me!" and I feel so blessed that God gave her to me. She's teaching me so much about myself and she's making me a mom more and more each day. I know I have sooo much more to learn, but I have an excellent teacher who hopefully with humor me as I get the hang of being a mom.
Here's looking at you kid - I love you with all of my heart!
January - wallpapered the dining room (I know, I'm crazy wild like that...)
February - found out we were pregnant (I cried out of happiness and sheer terror - who me? A mom?)
March - heard the baby's heartbeat, fell hopelessly in love
April - told family about baby, finished second degree
May - found out we were having a girl and that we were moving back to PA
June - resigned from position at VA school, got hired at PA school
July - sold home, moved back to PA, moved in with my parents
August - looked for homes - sparse selection in these here parts...
September - found a home! blew up like a whale at a hefty 3-4 pounds a week
October - Turned 28, gave birth to Leah Grace a few weeks early
November- December - trying to get the hang of this "mom" thing. It's definitely been a labor of love from start to finish! :)
By far, giving birth to Leah Grace was the most amazing event of the year. I always knew that I would love her with all of my heart, but I guess I didn't realize how big my heart was.... I honestly sometimes feel like I'm going to explode ooey gooey love all over the place when I look at Leah, especially now that she's finding me hilarious when I pinch her cheeks and tickle her belly (Oh, the smiles - it's like I'm having a reverse Grinch reaction where my heart is becoming 50 billion sizes too big).
She's perfect in so many ways, and she's so loved; I hope she feels that and I hope that comforts her when she's crying and I can't seem to make her happy. Everyone told me that I would love being mom, and I do. But no one told me how horrible I would feel when my baby cries and cries and I have to sit there, helpless, crying big crocodile tears myself because I'm feeling like the worst mom in the world and - dear God - my baby is crying! I'm her Mom! I can't make her stop! Ahh! Truth be told, Leah is the first infant I've ever taken care of on my own, and I feel like I've been on a crash course where I've plowed head first into obstacle after obstacle.
People that know me know that I do my best at everything I do (except cleaning and keeping my house organized), and I feel like my best just doesn't cut on the mom front. I guess I just expected to be better at being a mom. I expected it to come naturally. It hasn't. I've learned so much. I've cried so much. And my life has never felt as meaningful as it does now. I look at Leah and think to myself, "Sorry kid, all the good moms were taken - you're stuck with me!" and I feel so blessed that God gave her to me. She's teaching me so much about myself and she's making me a mom more and more each day. I know I have sooo much more to learn, but I have an excellent teacher who hopefully with humor me as I get the hang of being a mom.
Here's looking at you kid - I love you with all of my heart!
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